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C is for Customs

I was going to send a few gift boxes with local food from Switzerland to people in the US. I knew that Chocolate didn't ship well (mail packages are likely to freeze, which causes the chocolate to bloom and turn white), but I found a few other things that might survive. I talked to someone at the post office, and she warned me that food shipments to the US are very complicated and out of the control of Swiss Post.
She. Was. Not. Exaggerating.
To ship food: First, I need to register as an international shipper with the FDA. Of course, they want a ton of information, and they can't pull it from any of the dozens of other government systems where my name, address, SSN, passport number, TSA ID, fingerprints, iris scan, tongue prints, etc. are already on file. Then, for every package, I need to go to their website and list VERY detailed contents (including ingredients) for each package. Those will be reviewed and, if acceptable, I will receive a 12-digit confirmation number for each package. Then, I have to list the contents AGAIN along with the confirmation number on each package's US customs form. I also have to fill out a Swiss Post release form for each package declaring that I've followed all of the crazy US policies and I won't blame Swiss Post if the US just decides to confiscate or destroy my package anyway. Oh, and as an individual, the FDA won't allow the fastest shipping speed because my stuff is automatically suspect and is pretty much guaranteed to go through the X-ray and rubber glove treatment. (That's right, we subject incoming cookies to the same indignities to which we subject incoming people.) So, whatever I'm shipping had better not go bad quickly.
So, short version: I'm eating all of your Christmas cookies. I'll ship the non-food stuff after Christmas (I need to buy different boxes and use a packing material other than candy), and I'll bring food along with me the next time I fly across the ocean.

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