Papers, please! 2018 Edition.

Musical score for this post:

I've been in Switzerland for nearly two years, and my visa expires next month. I have to get a different kind of visa, which basically means doing all of the paperwork over again. The big problem: US bureaucracy.

To renew my visa, I need to provide a letter from my government showing that I'm not a criminal. In most countries, that's a relatively simple process. But in the US:

The FBI website says that I have two options: I can submit a paper form, or I can apply online.
The website for applying online doesn't work. It gives an error as soon as I try to connect.
Both the paper form and the electronic form require a copy of your fingerprints on an FBI fingerprint card. How do you get fingerprints? Just drop by your local FBI field office. Where's the nearest field office? Boston.
After contacting the US embassy, they told me that the Swiss police can make fingerprints for me, but I need to bring a printout of the FBI fingerprint card.
The US Consulate sent me a link to the FBI fingerprint card that doesn't work. Fortunately, Google can find it.
I download a PDF, but the fingerprint card is an odd size that doesn't fit onto European (A4) office paper. I need to find a large printer or go to a print shop.
After submitting my request, it will take the FBI 14 to 16 weeks to mail back a response. Did I mention that my visa expires next month?
Fortunately, the Swiss know how screwed up the US is, so they will give me an extension to the deadline if I send a notarized Affidavit of Good Conduct.
How do I get an Affidavit of Good Conduct? Just make an appointment with the US Consulate. I sent an email message. They tell me that they're quite busy and their first free appointment date is "March 7". It's currently March 12. I'm not sure whether I need a time machine (perhaps there's an express train that can get up to 88 miles per hour) or whether they mean "April 7" or whether they haven't bothered to update their canned response.

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